switching channels
As I navigate this physical plane in my flesh vehicle, the spirit is presented with many challenges or opportunities depending on how you view it. It all comes down to perspective, right? I remind myself of this in the mornings; an especially unique time to be in a body. Consciousness awakens to a new day; the mind begins to brew “who you are”. In my case it goes a little something like this: I awaken in my bed, I take a breath. Then a nagging sense of “should be’s” and “have to dos” swirl in my head. I then go back to breathing, then comes the nagging. Like switching radio stations, I teeter a neurological line of presence and ego. The first 2 minutes of my world feel like war at times. The present is an oyster, the mind is a string of pearls.
As the animals we are, survival mode is like our default setting. The modern world doesn’t dismiss our instinctual desire to be safe. To stay on a swivel. However, it becomes clearer and clearer that this state is a threat in itself. So like radio channels, I tune in and out. I feel the fear and then likely identify with it. “I am lost, I am stagnant, I am scared”. When I notice this, I do my best to change the channel. (This can feel like being stuck in a jacket, where you just can’t get one of the sleeves over your elbow to set you free). I do this by breathing deeply, honoring the simplicity of life. Sometimes it works for a moment, sometimes several. Though the more I lift these so-called mental weights, the easier I am able to center in the “truth”; which is a riddle in itself.
The question is, how does one fully exit this space of safety and control? From writers and wanderers and peace-seekers alike, it is said to be in a state of surrender. To allow the fear to live alongside us instead of completely void of it. My struggle is getting the mind to this space and the answer ironically lies within the statement. It is not the mind I should be consulting with, but the heart. The mind is the shell in the first place. The mind is the reason every path has “too many obstacles”, paralyzed in indecision. Which really means to be paralyzed by a lack of trust otherwise known as our little friend, Fear.
I clearly don’t have an answer, though the questions still pulsate as I battle this black-and-whiteness within all of us. I cannot blame this side of me or anyone. It is actually performing its exact function: to keep us far from threat or pain. Yet I heard a podcast recently from Duncan Trussell, the narrator of the show Midnight Gospel, that blew my mind. He talks about parts of our personalities that were molded in times of fear, uncertainty, lack, etc., and how they cause us to develop like a broken bone that grew back incorrectly. As a kid, we are navigating what it means to trust, love, wonder, imagine, dream, and act. What happens when a child is not given the space or environment to trust in these sensations? They are led to trust the counter-sensations: worry, isolation, defense, resentment, and on and on. These are the faulty bones of our egoic skeleton. As adults, we likely and hopefully exit these unsafe environments into the world that now also feels…bingo…unsafe. It is our job to snap ourselves back in place. The even harder part? To forgive. To forgive. To forgive.
When I switch the channel from head to heart, the truth is clear. I am everything I “want to be”. Already, right now. However the mind is a clever and quick thief. Before knowing it, a worried ego takes the wheel, with my hands tied in the passenger seat. False identities developed in early childhood as a method of survival block the vision, fogging up dreams. Not judging ourselves for the protection our inner child once needed is step one. How can we blame the brain’s attempt to keep us safe? We can’t. But the more we give in to its ask of us (to stay small), the less we give into the opportunity to be radiant and expansive. To do so gently is to honor where your brain began building these blocks of “you”. Now, we must fill that void with the love, support, and understanding little us once felt at lack of. To see for yourself who you truly are. To believe in it without wavering in the winds of doubt. So each time we switch channels, we’re closer and closer to the best station of all. Ya mf’in heart.
